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夔zzZ

我来从行文的角度来改改，偏文法语法概念，请思索后接受。看时间貌似楼主没准可能已经在考试了= =，但是还是希望能留下自己的建议来让楼主有所提高。

批注版（排版乱，流畅版在下面）

With the approaching of summer （summer不需要冠词）, the first turning point is coming, which is very important in my life.（主语变成了 转折点，为了文法多样化；转折点都是非常重要的，故变成非限制性定语从句）
I have been a member of a junior middle school （并未提及具体学校，用不定冠词） for three years.
During these years, I experienced happiness, sadness, angry and fear.（英语不卖关子，不许需要a lot之后再描述；一系列词汇并列中一般最多只用一个and；文法角度上讲，这句是一个引子或伏笔，后面应展开，却未见展开叙述）
Grade 9 will be finished in several days.（主语变成了 初三，为了文法多样化）
I have something to talk about before the final examination,（这个才是毕业考试，不是finally；注意英语和汉语的语言顺序，写作并非翻译，就算是翻译也不要完全直译；say过于口语化，换为talk about）but the logic is not that smooth in my mind.（英语写作中并没有汉语随笔文那样很多无意义的抒情语句，故此更换；有逻辑顺序的两个分句之间不应用句号而应用逗号；又是一个引子，却未见展开）
Prehaps I could（perhaps引出的统称虚拟语气，不用原型） complain about（低级错误，plaint是名词） that（加一个that使后面变成从句，否则goes使得句子出现双谓语） time goes by so quickly（修饰动词goes，用副词）and the life（生活life不可数） of grade 9（grade 9不需要冠词） is so busy and boring.（相同的动词一般不用多句排比，故合并为一句）
Now that（无可转折，不用but；now也过于口语化，但可以接受，也可换成At this moment） everything will come to an end（end不是动词，此处需要动词，故改为常用语句）, and I will be able to have a long holiday to relax.（应该用将来语态，故更改；relax myself这个词组你不懂它的意思最好别用= =，很邪恶）
As a result, in order to get my ideal scores, I should not relax before the final examination.（过于中式的翻译，很不通顺，故语句重组，并与上文有逻辑联系）

下面是删备注流畅版

With the approaching of summer, the first turning point is coming, which is very important in my life.
I have been a member of a junior middle school for three years. During these years, I experienced happiness, sadness, angry and fear.
…………
I have something to talk about before the final examination, but the logic is not that smooth in my mind.
…………
Prehaps I could complain about that time goes by so quickly and the life of grade 9 is so busy and boring.
Now that everything will come to an end, and I will be able to have a long holiday to relax.
As a result, in order to get my ideal scores, I should not relax before the final examintion.

评价：写作与口语不同，说白了需要更文绉绉的表达方式；英语的写作重在每句话都有内容，文章的华丽感在于每一句的饱满而不是无意义的抒情连接；尽量不要用汉语的顺序来说英语，会很不通顺。这篇文章并无太多的实质内容，可扩展许多；另外，尝试将单独的句子按大意组成段落，才可以称为文章。