Missing you lonely yesterday

消逝宾妮

拿英文练笔，欢迎找错= =



It has been two years since Haibara left Tokyo. But she hardly feel she should somehow take a visit back-she knew there may be little chance for her to go back to hometown since it was such sentimental place for a visit.

Unversity of Oxford, the uni where her mother Helina stayed for six years, now become her new home. Yes, a lovely place, interstingly, many years ago, she was obliged to give up her application to go to the medical school to become a doctor, or a surgent , being ready to save lives-she went to Japan, an oriental nation, her father's hometown and eventually changed into a cold-hearted murder.

There were too much appreciation, without him, there was no chance to destroy the organization, there was no chance for her to become a normal girl, and there was no chance for her to feel the way of loving, caring and forgiving.

But that was it.

She quite understood...or at least knew, whom Kudo kun had been belong to.

Yes, she had feelings with him, and life was such a mystery, she refused Kudo's invitation to stay in Tokyo and chose to go to London-her mother's hometown.

＂the little mermaid became bubbles, and been saved by angels. The prince and the princess will live happily ever after，and the little mermaid will stay in heaven with the Father. It is the end of the fairytale."

It is not really pleasant day today, clouds keeps piling up over people's heads-very common weather in this city, Ai stayed in her favourite cafe, sitting besides the window and watching the gloomy sky, she smilled.

" Are you Japanese?" someone wakes her up from her meditation, by a very soft and pleasant voice, like a bunch of sunshine in such a cloudy day.

" ? ... a kind of." she hesitated for a while and replied-it is her habit, although it has been two years since she left, she can still recall all the danger and become cautious spontaneously.

" A kind of? Interesting answer. Very few people hesitate on acknowledging their nationalities... you do not like to be a Japanese?"

A tall and young guy, with black hair and black eyes, very gorgeous, and Ai somehow feels he is a Japanese too.

" ...."

" Ahhh, sorry, I do not mean to interrupt you" the Asian guy apologized.

Very westernised Asian, normally Japanese boys are not really good at starting a topic with a stranger-well，except some people in Japan she knew.

"See there? I m with them, they said they always see you sitting here, and we were making a bet to see whether I can talk to you or not- you know, you look really cool, i mean beautiful and cool."

Ai smilled again, it was a mesmerizing smile. " I guess you win. " She grabbed her lecture slides and stood up, "sorry , running for class now."

" oh I guess so...you are from the medicine school?"

She nodded, " you?"

" Im doing forensic-law school."

" it is amazing... see ya." Ai sometimes felt like she could never get rid of these people-- from police or detectives..

" and may I have your name?" the asian boy suddenly flushed, " just in case that we run into each other on campus another day and I can not call your name."

"Haibara... I am a Japanese."

工藤夏洛゛

这篇文章可以不评论吗（pia飞）
不过宾妮酱肯定很用心啦，文章的标题很有feel，以及宾妮你是拿手机发的吗。。
占坑，日后有时间再去评论

洝瀞、

高端洋气上档次-_-
高三英语水平表示看明白了，但是对那么多逗号感到很捉急。。一定是我水平不够_(:з」∠)_
美人鱼的比喻不错～
第二段的最后貌似应该是murderer-_-
话说楼主的ID让我想起了三个字母。。ZUI_(:з」∠)_
请等我十天，十天之后再来完善。。。
话说这种时候那个用折棒做头像的毒舌男人跑哪去了啊-_-

消逝宾妮

When did Haibara Ai become her real name?

When did Haibara Ai become a real identity?

Miyano Shiho? No, she was no longer existing in the world anymore, she died so many years ago. The time the organization betrayed her, and killed her only family alive.

Shiho sucked those poisoning tablets and died. When she woke up on Hakase's sofa, she was reborn as Haibara Ai. A good and simple girl, with friends，and with carings.

Ai sometimes wrote letters to Hakase. She always claimed that it was only for academic purposes since Hakase was interested in all the collections in Oxford.

But Hakase knew it, he knew her, just like a father knew his daughter. Ai was missing Tokyo and Hakase understood the reason why Ai did not want to come back.

Ran and Shinichi are also in the uni now. They are now officially dating each other. It was good , Hakase was happy for them. He watched them grew up, although they met some troubles but they had conquered all.

Now he was worrying about his Haibara.

" I hope you can forget about those things, Ai chan. Do not torture yourself, everyone needs to be forgiven and especially YOU! I DO hope you can come back for a visit, everyone is missing you in Tokyo, you know...at least in the summer vocation, okay?"

Ai folded the letter, and signed silently. But how? How to forget or forgive? She was able to forgive those prople killed her families, because she was kind-hearted enough, but she could not forgive herself.

I used to be one of them.

They were all been punished, but why not me?

Why I am lucky enough to become an exception after creating those evil medicines?

Why I shall survive.




The weather in London never turned better.

The orient girl was now quite busy in doing her medical course. It is quite obvious that beautiful and talented young women are very rare here, so it was a chance for guys on campus to see that beautiful but cold Japanese girl rushing across green yards with flowers and classic architectures, it was a breath- taking sightseeing.

But to Haibara, there was no time of being emotional, the study in the medical school was harder than her imagination. She had given up the  Bioscience course for a long time- she used to do it when she was in the United States.

She needed to study harder to catch up-this university was full of talented, she was also deemed as a talented one for a long time, even in the organization. But here, she was just an ordinary.

洝瀞、

Σ(っ °Д °;)っ有点厉害这是要走悬疑侦探的路线吗？！！第二部分有点打错的不过不影响阅读。。

寒夜听雪

洝瀞、 发表于 2013-5-28 06:44
高端洋气上档次-_-
高三英语水平表示看明白了，但是对那么多逗号感到很捉急。。一定是我水平不够_(:з」∠) ...

1.英文叙事请全部用一般过去式。
2.就算是不用一般过去式，用一般现在时，也请先把时态搞对：

But she hardly feel

应为"she hardly felt"或者至少"she hardly feels"。而后面LZ又用回了knew……写完之后请先检查一下最基本的语法。
3.

Yes, a lovely place, interstingly, many years ago,

这句是Run-On sentence。应将a lovely place后加上句号。
4.

many years ago, she was obliged to give up her application to go to the medical school to become a doctor, or a surgent , being ready to save lives-she went to Japan, an oriental nation, her father's hometown and eventually changed into a cold-hearted murder.

“许多年前，她的良心驱使她放弃了大学申请，上了医学校，想要成为一名医生，或者一个外科手术师，准备救死扶伤——她去了日本，一个东方之国，也是她父亲的家乡，然后最终成为了一个冷血的杀手。”
我读完这句之后整个人都不好了……想用英语的复杂句式可以，但是此处看起来是为了语法而语法，导致整个句子语意无比跳脱，看着无比不爽，而且还有可能造成理解错误：是“她放弃了医学校的申请”还是“她放弃了大学的申请，上了医学院”呢？请LZ在耍句式之前先打好叙事的基础吧。
5.

There were too much appreciation, without him, there was no chance to destroy the organization,

又是Run-On sentence。正确句子应为：There WAS too much appreciation. Without him, there was no chance to destroy the CABAL, to become a normal girl, or to perceive love, care and forgiveness. 我去掉了冗余的部分，并把最后一句提炼了。

然后我又大概扫了两眼下面……时态错误百出，像上面说到的用复杂句式装逼失败的例子也到处都是，实在懒得改了，请见谅。
至于剧情方面……剧情是什么那是可以吃的东西吗（

（哼萧十别以为我不知道！

消逝宾妮

寒夜听雪 发表于 2013-6-2 06:01
1.英文叙事请全部用一般过去式。
2.就算是不用一般过去式，用一般现在时，也请先把时态搞对：应为"she ha ...

我写着玩的东西用得着你在这里卖弄吗

消逝宾妮

寒夜听雪 发表于 2013-6-2 06:01
1.英文叙事请全部用一般过去式。
2.就算是不用一般过去式，用一般现在时，也请先把时态搞对：应为"she ha ...

还有类似“装逼”这类的脏话请你注意点。

万年小正太

消逝宾妮 发表于 2013-6-2 15:44
还有类似“装逼”这类的脏话请你注意点。

他这人毒舌惯了你别介意，不过我保证他的出发点是好的以及你被他骂两个月你的写作水平绝对上一个台阶，他的水平在我们这里任何人之上

茉儿

消逝宾妮 发表于 2013-6-2 15:42
我写着玩的东西用得着你在这里卖弄吗

1.既然发了出来就做好被人批评的心理准备，否则你就不要发，放在自己的电脑里面烂一辈子。如果你觉得他的批评不恰当，可以指出，别说什么别人在卖弄的话，他的写作水平是我们这一批同人区老人有目共睹的，水平比他低的人没资格指责他卖弄，人家比你更有卖弄的资格。
2.我不觉得“装逼”是脏话，只是一句很普通的批评而已，楼主这样就玻璃心了吗？而且是你自己说的“欢迎找错”的，只允许表扬不允许批评了？而且批评还一定要委婉地考虑您老人家的心理接受能力了？真装逼你就认了吧，如果不是真装逼会在这里骂好心提出意见的人？人家告诉你有语法错误第一时间不是想回头修改而是在这里骂人？呵呵，您老人家是不是太高看自己了。
如果你认为你有那个文笔，你不是在装逼而是真的牛逼，请用你的文章来打动人，而不是在这里回骂评论者！

寒夜听雪

茉儿 发表于 2013-6-3 19:08
1.既然发了出来就做好被人批评的心理准备，否则你就不要发，放在自己的电脑里面烂一辈子。如果你觉得他的 ...

额，其实我真心觉得，怎么写好英语的过程，就是学怎么装逼的过程……
一句很普通的话非要用很复杂的句式结构来说并且还要用上很装逼的词汇，这种有点“多此一举”和炫耀自己的写作力的倾向我真心觉得是在装逼，在我看来大师之所以是大师，是因为他能装逼装的不露痕迹orz

工藤夏洛゛

消逝宾妮 发表于 2013-6-2 15:44
还有类似“装逼”这类的脏话请你注意点。

毒舌男的水平在我们所。有。人。之。上。无论是从哪个方面。还有我也想说一句既然发出来就是要做好被人评论的准备的如果你实在承受不了自己留着就可以了。

很久未来

寒夜听雪 发表于 2013-6-5 13:35
额，其实我真心觉得，怎么写好英语的过程，就是学怎么装逼的过程……
一句很普通的话非要用很复杂的句式 ...

额，其实我真心觉得，怎么写好英语的过程，就是学怎么装逼的过程……

我很赞同你这句话啊，装逼在这个情况下其实不是职责的意思呢。
要是我英语够好写篇洋洋洒洒的文章通篇NB的句式+深奥的单词我自己也觉得自己装逼，但是我也很自豪，因为我有本事装逼。（要考六级了尼玛！）


=w=我在同人区待的时间不长，和各位前辈还不熟orz，看大家说寒夜是大神~~（说大神大丈夫吗~？）
如果可以的话（小声），版面上我的那篇GS求指教。

工藤馨若

看着好多人都聚集到了这里，作为斑竹的也来发表下自己意见。
首先，感谢你对同人区的喜爱和支持，将自己的文章发表在这里。不论好坏优劣都是值得肯定和赞赏的，因为写文本身就不是一个容易的过程。其次，你用英文练笔，这很好，希望你可以通过写文提高自己英文水平。
然后我想说，一个作者既然写了文章，就一定会有各种不同的评论，有些评论你很爱听而有些评论可能比较逆耳，所谓萝卜青菜各有所爱，即使是被公认的著名作家也不例外。你也许会觉得你辛辛苦苦写了文章还被人家用不好的话喷了很不好受而且这里只是个论坛本来就是娱乐放松的看文的人何必如此认真，我能够理解，但人家的评论也没有恶意甚至看出人家是认真看了你的文章的，你也在开头就表示欢迎改错，所以你后来给点评人的回复就有些过了。我觉得在这里发帖首先要做好被喷的准备，如果每篇文章都是赞美的一箩筐话那有什么意思呢？小寒他就是这个性格以前貌似谁也被他喷了结果也是一片争吵。你习惯习惯就好了^_^多听听他人意见也是可以提高写作的。小寒在国外很长时间了所以他也能帮你纠正英语语法问题〜
关于大家讨论的装逼问题我想到了罗永浩的那篇《怎么成为一个文坛装逼犯》,，里面有详细阐述装得好和装得不好的例子虽然文章是06年的不过写得还是很有道理的可以去看看借鉴借鉴成为一个优秀的装逼犯【貌似跑题了。。
还有同人区是一个平等的地方，对待一个写作新人更多的需要包容和鼓励。大家没必要去拿"写作前辈高手＂这种话来震慑作者。小寒的写作能力大家有目共睹，但也不需要因为这个去指责作者不是。总之，本文的作者和各位评论人都要相互理解，给同人区营造一个河蟹的环境哈〜